I have four dogs, the most famous of which is called Wizard. Actually, her full name is Wizard Dog but we only call her that when she's been bad: "Wizard Dog! Stop using my toothbrush!" or "Wizard Dog! You forgot to start the dryer!". But mostly when she's good, we just call her Wizard.
We have three others, too. One is called Luna and she is just a dog but has a bit of a wandering eye. If she has the opportunity and gets a wild hair up her ass, she will run away down the street and is just gone. She is insanely difficult to catch. Honestly, she's a total slut. This is because she isn't fixed and you can all take that up with my boyfriend (his dog).
Another is named Quentin - after Quentin Compson from the Faulkner novels, Absalom!Absalom! and The Sound and the Fury, but she's much too dumb to know the significance. I suppose I named her that to impress an English professor I was sort of in love with. She is missing an ear and it is not known if she lost it in a dogfight or was simply born with just the one. It's a good thing though, that she was only born with one ear because the 80's are totally coming back. We've nicknamed her "Side Ponytail". Either way, her equilibrium has always been a bit iffy and she's quite stupid but she is also the most loyal dog I have ever met.
And then, there is Brimley, a puppy with an old dog's face. He's like Benjamin Button or something. He was named by our friend Carter after Wilfred Brimley. You know, "diabetis"? If you don't know who he is, Google him or just watch a few hours of Lifetime and you're bound to run into him.
But Wizard is this most famous and the leader of the pack. She's half chihuahua, half miniature schnauzer. She is called Wizard Dog not because she is a wizard, but because she kills wizards.... Or, so I thought. You see, we once had this giant, chartreuse green, birdlike specimen - with a six or eight inch wingspan, on the glass of our back door. Wizard captured this creature. She actually batted at its near-lifeless body around the kitchen floor until it finally gave in to death and then, she chewed it to bits and coughed it up later.
My boyfriend let me know later that it was actually a lunar moth. It was quite beautiful, really, if you've ever seen one. And it was kind of a shame because the thing was just sort of peacefully sitting there. I suppose it is the circle of life - it was time for the thing to be tortured and killed, wizard or not. But if there ever is an actual wizard around, I envision a very similar scenario. Occasionally, I will look over at her and see that's she's chewing on something. Often times I can identify what's in her mouth as a cockroach, or a pen-cap, or her own feces. But sometimes I cannot tell what she's chewing on and I tell myself it's a wizard.
She also knows how to sit and will go to her crate on demand. We call that thing a crate, but really, its a cage. I like to say in a high-pitched, joyful voice, "Mommy has to leave now. Go to jail!" and she will happily scurry over and climb in. If you say anything in the right tone, they get excited. Sometimes I pet her and say,"Ooooh, Wizard, your breath is melting my head! Yes it is! Your head is so cute and tiny! Yes it is! Yes it is! I could just crush it in my hands! Yes I could! Yes I could! I could mangle your little frame in seconds! Yes I could! I could just squeeze the breath right our of your flimsy little body and chop you up into bits and saute you in Asa's vegetarian-only skillet and serve it up to him and tell him it's marinated tofu! Yes I could! And then I could say 'Surprise! You just ate a wizard dog!' Yes I could! Yes I could! Awwww...you're such a smelly dog! Yes you are!" and then she pants and looks at me with that sort of doggy-smile and then I give her a biscuit.
Wizard though, really has very little to do with this blog. She is pretty cute though, and "dog" rhymes with "blog", so there's that. But really, this is going to be about me and how I can't seem to get a job and why certain things in life make me the way that I am. Although, I think Wizard is probably much more likable and she has a job - one of the most interesting jobs ever, really, as a wizard hunter.
I have decided to start a blog because I think it's about time someone did. I mean, Jesus. Will someone start blogging already?
No, really I've started this because I can't seem to find a job. And I need to be clear. I actually DO have a job. I work as a nanny for this wonderful kid. And it's important to acknowledge that there are A LOT of people out there who don't even have that. My issue is basically that I know that I can do more than what I am doing - so can so many of the people who are stuck in positions they're over-qualified for. And after a vigilant search - a fruitless search, I have made peace with where I am right now and have taken this on as my creative outlet. I am hoping in doing this that the job thing will happen somewhat organically.
I've always been an occasional writer, but now seems like the time to start putting a few words down. I mean, I don't have a lot else to do.
So, I am going to start with a story about one of the weird things that happened to me as a kid. I have to say first, that I think weird shit happened to most, if not all of us. There are a lot of weirdos and creeps in the world and I think many of these people are only products of the weird shit that happened to them when they were kids. Many people will find some of this stuff to be a bit disturbing but will find it even more disturbing that I think it's all very funny. A lot of these things aren't exactly laughing matters...in some people's opinions. But it's my coping mechanism - the only way, really, that some can deal with the weight of it all. Don't get me wrong, I don't just poke fun at everthing. I definitely have a spectrum of emotions and those closest to me unfortunately, have to feel that wrath. Luck for those who actually read this, that I don't allow myself to get too intense about it in written words. Please just don't think that I take this stuff for granted. Also, some is not for the faint at heart but I make no apologies.
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